I Said Goddamn...

Demand Climate Justice

On Tuesday, April 28, 2009, at the Frank E. Moss Courthouse in downtown Salt Lake City, University of Utah student Tim DeChristopher will be arraigned on felony charges stemming from his disruption of the illegal BLM oil and gas lease auction held during the last throws of the Bush administration. Bidder70.0rg is holding a rally before Tim's arraignment and a march to the courthouse. Attend if you can and bring along a friend or three to show your support for Tim and his courageous act. Visit http://www.bidder70.org/ and http://oneutah.org/ for more information.

Siriusly Affirming the Stereotype

Sirius Satellite and XM Radio are two of the great inventions of the modern era and a much needed antidote to the constant inanity, blather and hucksterism that is A.M. and F.M. radio. After all, where else can you get the Grateful Dead twenty-four hours a day without interruption?

Despite the bewildering array of options that Sirius and XM offer, I guess I’m a bit of a creature of habit because I rarely venture beyond the 46-57 range on XM. But the other day, I broke out of that mold and went on a quest for new experiences. Listening to the same genre of music day after day was getting stale and I wanted to see if I could broaden my horizons.

So I’m cruising through the channels- Hip Hop/R & B, Jazz and Blues, Classical, Dance and Electronica, Latin- when I stumbled upon OutQ Radio (Sirius 109/ XM 98). OutQ is satellite radio’s Gay and Lesbian channel. It promotes itself as “News, Information and Entertainment for the Gay and Lesbian Community,” Gay radio, who knew?

I don’t fall into OutQ’s demographic, but I was intrigued enough by the concept of Gay radio to listen in (as long as I could stand to as it turned out) on my drive home. I must have hit upon the “Entertainment” portion of OutQ’s programming as what I heard certainly didn’t qualify under any objective standard as “News” or “Information.”

The program that was being broadcast was a show called “Derek and Romaine.” Derek is a gay man; Romaine is his female counterpart. The riveting subject of their show was a lesbian sorority at the University of Pennsylvania and their guest was the President of that sorority. Without getting into the whole “gay issue,” it was dreadfully dull radio made worse by Romaine’s litany of inane comments and constant, insecure snickering.

So before I go into my tirade, here’s the obligatory disclaimer. Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass if a man wants to be with another man or a woman wants to be with another woman. It’s no skin off of my wiener either way. In fact, I find the whole raging debate about gay rights to be pretty silly. Gays should have the same rights that everyone else in this country enjoys. Period.

But here’s the thing that is really annoying. Gays and lesbians are constantly preaching to the heterosexual world about the evils of stereotyping them while they continually play to the stereotype. OutQ in general, and Derek and Romaine in particular, are perfect examples. Specifically, Derek spoke with a pronounced and affected lisp. Who really speaks like that? Damn few people that I have encountered unless they were gay men trying mighty hard to advertise to the world their gayness. Romaine, on the other hand, seemed fixated on the hook-up prospects that a lesbian sorority would afford and constantly pushed the discussion in that direction. She would ask with baited breath (and apparent envy) about who was banging whom and the intimate details about the gay sexual escapades of the sisters.

Can these guys get any less clear on the concept? We're told all gay men don’t prance around speaking with an effeminate lisp. But then “Gay radio” broadcasts a show hosted by a gay guy who, true to the stereotype, speaks with a lisp. We’re also told that the gay culture is not necessarily centered upon gay sex. But here again is OutQ, the satellite radio voice of the gay community, broadcasting a show the focus of which was, true to stereotype once again, lesbian sex.

So here’s some unsolicited advice to the gay and lesbian community: if you want people to get beyond the stereotypes commonly associated with gays and lesbians, stop perpetuating those stereotypes. Do some self-policing of your community. Stop acting in a manner consistent with the gay archetype. Otherwise, you will never get beyond the stereotypes. Siriusly.

Anonymous Sniping- The New Blood Sport

So when did it become fashionable to revel in others’ misery? With the current economic downturn, there have been quite a few stories in the media lately about folks who have fallen on hard times. Perhaps unlike the past, a good number of these people are credentialed and hardworking individuals who are either victims of corporate “down-sizing” or simply got caught long when the real estate market turned. Just like the past, some of these folks also chose their lot in life or got there by making objectively bad decisions. Either way, the end result is the same.

Just the other day, I read a piece in the local rag about a couple from California’s Central Valley who are flirting with homelessness. According to the story, this couple had previously owned a restaurant together with three homes, one of which was their primary residence and two of which were investment properties. Their restaurant was recently shuttered when the building which they leased was found to have numerous code violations that the owner either couldn’t, or refused to cure. That event, coupled with the radical devaluation of their real estate, has left this couple competing with the bums for bottles, cans, plastic bottles and handouts.

Anyway, the website that was carrying this story has a Comments function where readers can log in, mostly anonymously, and post their thoughts. Back in the old days, when we got our news from actual papers, I always brushed by the headlines, the local news, the business section, even the sports page and went straight to the Letters to the Editor on the Op-Ed page. That was where the real action was. That was where society bore its soul. And that was where you could get the unsanitized truth along with a hearty dose of laughter, incredulity, anger and more.

Letters to the Editor are still an integral part of newspapers and periodicals, but the Comments function on websites is quickly usurping the old-fashion letter. The difference is this: anonymity. Unlike the letters of old, the Comments function on most websites is the Wild West. You can post virtually anything you want behind the safety of a silly screen name without consequence. This is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing in that people tend to speak their mind more freely; it’s a curse in that people tend to speak their mind more freely. That why the Comments section is the first place I go when I visit a website.

So I’m reading the comments that people have left about the couple from the Central Valley who lost their restaurant and are now employed as full time recyclers. And the comments are shockingly nasty. Predictably, a large number of the commenters immediately jumped to the conclusion that this couple was simply lazy and yearned to be on the public dole. Another sizeable segment of the comments was devoted to the belief that these people were getting exactly what they deserved because owning three homes was obviously well beyond their means. Someone even suggested that since this couple failed to cure the building code deficiencies that were the building owner’s responsibility they were actually at fault for the closure of their restaurant. Compassion and understanding for this couple’s misfortune was in short supply. Arrogance, smugness and condemnation were not.

Beyond that, I noticed a huge disconnect between what many of these commenters advocated for this couple, and the bases of their criticism of them. As those in a more secure position are apt to do, many commenters suggested that if this particular couple only had enough entrepreneurial gumption, spirit and drive (presumably just like the person making the comment), then they would either not be in the position in which they found themselves, or they could easily navigate their way back to success. At the same time, these very same commenters griped about the previous financial risks this couple took by owning a restaurant and multiple properties. In other words, they first criticized this couple for being too entrepreneurial. They then turned right around and criticized them for not being entrepreneurial enough.

At the end of the day, the whole “discussion” was ridiculous and obviously wasn’t about whether this couple was hyper- or hypo-entrepreneurial. It was about taking shots. It was about kicking someone while they are down in order to make oneself feel superior. It was criticism for the sheer sake of criticism. And commenters were literally reveling in the nastiness and absurdity of the whole sordid affair.

So come one and all and join the fun. It’s our new blood sport. And the really great thing about it is that you can bludgeon someone senseless without getting all that messy blood on your hands. And it’s available for your entertainment and viewing pleasure 24/7/365 on any of a number of locations on the World Wide Web. Enjoy!

Common Sense Goes to the Dogs

Last weekend, a much anticipated “dog park” opened in my fair city to considerable fanfare by municipal leaders and gushing enthusiasm by dog lovers. A “dog park” as you well know, is one of those rare places in society where a person can allow his dog to roam free, unleashed from the stern and condemning eye of a paranoid public. Dog parks were unheard of 20 years ago, but have become de rigueur given our incessant quest for a society completely devoid of anything unsafe, unsanitary or unsavory. They have become a necessary evil because there is absolutely no place else an unleashed dog can go in society without risk of his master receiving a citation.

The extent to which we have taken our idiocy can be seen on any given weekend in the hills and foothills of Southern California. If you take a hike or go out for a bike ride, you will come across several folks enjoying the unstructured wide open spaces with their canine companions. Invariably, however, those companions will be tethered to their masters by a leash. Worse, their masters will be carrying a little plastic baggie full of dog poo like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

Aside from the more humiliating aspects of packing around a little baggie full of dog feces, and ignoring for the moment the embarrassing daintiness with which most owners carry their pet’s poo, the whole notion of picking up poo where the deer and coyote roam is absurd. Poo is poo after all, yet I don’t see any concerted effort underway by the poo patrol to hit the trails with little blue baggies to clean up after the undomesticated critters that foul the very same trails trod upon by dogs.

My God, where did we go wrong? I think it must have started with sweaters for dogs and then taken off from there. And the sad thing is nobody seems to think anything of it. We seem to have adopted a collective mind-set that reaching down and picking up a steaming pile of shit, or harnessing a dog in the wild, is normal, adult behavior. Worse, actually, those who think otherwise are viewed as deviants. So call me a deviant if you must, but we’re sliding down a slippery slope here. If we don’t stop and regain our senses now, the next thing you know men will begin to abandon Retrievers, Labs and other manly breeds and start prancing around like Paris with their cute and clothed Chihuahuas. Oh, whoops, too late…

The BIG Beehive

Despite having spent my entire youth in the Salt Lake valley, I’m always blown away when I return just how BIG the mountains there are. The mountains, part of the Wasatch Range, rise abruptly from the valley floor to form an 11,000 foot granite barrier which is broken only by a series of deep gashes that have been sliced into its side by millennia of snow, ice and raging waters-Little Cottonwood Canyon, Big Cottonwood Canyon, Millcreek Canyon and Parley’s Canyon. It’s difficult to explain the immensity, majesty and sublimity of these mountains to anyone who has not seen them up close and personal; it’s even more difficult to get the residents to see the grandeur of these spectacular mountains, the laps of which they sit on daily. If familiarity has not bred contempt in the locals, at a minimum, it seems to have bred blindness and apathy.

Although the bigness of the Wasatch Range is impossible to miss, the general culture of bigness which permeates life in Salt Lake City may escape notice. That is not to say that it is any less obvious than the upward thrust of the mountains that encircle the valley. However, the “culture of big” has become so pervasive that your chance of recognizing it is probably no better than your chance of getting a Salt Laker to see the peaks that surround and protect them. It seldom happens.

But it happened to me on a recent pilgrimage. I gained my sight as I was driving through Riverton (granted, not Salt Lake proper, but Salt Lake in spirit and kinship) on one of my ritual treks for substances forbade by the Word of Wisdom. BIG SUVs crowded the roadways. BIG trucks pulled BIG boats and BIG trailers down the wide highways. BIG (nay, gargantuan) homes sat on BIGGER lots to house even BIGGER families. BIG churches and BIG temples dotted the landscape to serve the BIG Mormon population. BIG box stores littered every nook and cranny of what were once beautiful green fields. BIG women wandered the aisles of BIG supermarkets buying BIG steaks for their BIG men. Suddenly, I understood how Gulliver must have felt on his visit to Brodingnag.

They say everything is bigger in Texas, but I don’t know. The Beehive State just might give the Lone Star State a run for its money. And with a lot of extra notches still on their belts, Utahan’s sure seem intent on expanding further until their Mr. Mac slacks are good and snug around the waist.

The End of the Universe

So this is what we have become. The other day I passed the Starbucks down the street…wait, there are about five Starbucks down the street. This was the one that has the drive-thru window as opposed to the one in the Albertsons or the other one on the corner in the exact same development as the Albertsons or the other one adjacent to the Ralph’s just up the street or… Actually, that reminds me of the scene from Shrek 2 where the giant gingerbread man terrorizes a Starbucks in the Kingdom of Far, Far Away causing the frightened patrons to run screaming to the Starbucks directly across the street. Riot. That scene was supposedly inspired by a comment by comedian Lewis Black to the effect that "...and if you walk to the end of the block, there sits a Starbucks. And directly across the street -- in the exact same building as that Starbucks -- there is... another Starbucks. There is a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks! And ladies and gentlemen, THAT is the end of the universe."

Anyway, as I went by, I counted a string of 16 vehicles in the drive-thru lane which snakes around the building. It’s certainly conceivable that there were many more folks idling in their climate controlled boxes while waiting to pay $4 for a shot of caffeine, but No. 16 was the last car I could see. Not surprisingly, most of the vehicles were gargantuan trucks and SUVs occupied by a single passenger who was either talking on the phone or primping and preening before the mirror. Also not surprising was the fact that the parking area immediately in front of the Starbucks was populated by tumbleweeds.

If you need any evidence that prying people out of their automobiles will be next to impossible, this has got to be it. Lazy suburbanites will gleefully burn $5/gallon gas while they endlessly circle the Costco parking lot looking for a spot “up front” instead of walking in from one of the gazillion unused parking spots further out. Those exact same folks will demand that we both despoil ANWR and drill off the California coast in order to knock a few pennies off the price of a gallon of gas to protect that way of life. And you know what? One day in the not-so-distant future, the clambering from these politically conservative upper-class wannabes will become so intense that it will happen. And just like it has for the past forty years, it will happen at the expense of developing other energy and transportation alternatives. And THAT ladies and gentlemen, with all due respect to Mr. Black, is the real end of the universe.